IT CAN BE ABOUT ME

I inadvertently became a caregiver. Not in the traditional sense of taking care of an ill parent or sick spouse, but my needs and wants have certainly taken a backseat recently and, today, I woke up and decided it’s time to take my power back.

Life is full of sacrifices, and I will always put my child first. Lately, however, from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep, the conversation and activity in my house is all about my son, Cooper’s, budding music career.

I love, care, and support my son. Our relationship is amongst the most meaningful in my life, but for me to be happy, my life can’t just revolve around him. There I said it. I told my truth – a truth that no girl born in the 1960s was supposed to admit.

I am very proud of Cooper and what he is accomplishing with his music. He had his first radio play the other day, and I must admit, I got misty-eyed listening to his song on the radio. I want to support him any way I can, but in doing so, somewhere in the mix, my identity has been lost.

Last week, I took one dance class instead of the usual three; I haven’t gone for a walk/run in weeks, my writing has taken a back seat, I can’t remember the last time I read a book for pleasure, and I am too exhausted to do much of anything. To be honest, it’s not just because of Cooper responsibilities. In addition to managing Cooper’s career, I am also CFO of our family’s business, and I recently took on a Board position at our synagogue, which has turned into what seems like a full-time Treasury position. But, in the home, it’s all Cooper 24/7.

I feel like I have fallen into the caregiver trap and, indeed, I have all the signs of caregiver stress: persistent exhaustion, shifts in mood, and social withdrawal. Nowadays, when the phone rings, I grumble and let it ring. The other day, friends asked us to join them for dinner, and quite frankly, I didn’t want to go. We decided to join them for dessert, and, once out, I admit I enjoyed myself.

Prioritizing all of these responsibilities is energy-zapping and trust me, I know how fortunate I am. I have a housekeeper who comes once a week, and a husband who takes more than his fair share of domestic responsibility. He has become Cooper’s chauffeur, graphic artist, and Chief Technology Officer. I have become Cooper’s Manager and Head of Marketing/Public Relations. This is in addition to the regular responsibilities of parenting a teenager. We both make every effort to get Cooper to where he needs to be, both physically and emotionally.

I know it sounds selfish, but I can’t help but ask: what about me? I am writing this, trapped in my bedroom, because Cooper and his band are practicing downstairs. The noise reverberates throughout the house. Last night they played until 11:30pm. (Yes, I know we can put limits on practice times, but that is a Musing for another day.)

What about me is not a selfish question. It’s self-preservation and I think we need to take our need for self-care seriously. It’s not healthy to be totally wrapped up in another person or project, while our own interests take a back seat, or worse, are ignored.

I know others feel the same as I do but just aren’t able to express it. Let this Musing be a call to arms to not only understand that your feelings are valid, but that it is high time you do something about it.

As for me, I need to realize that I can be supportive of my budding musician, while also not giving up my personal identity. The two are not mutually exclusive and I need to stop feeling guilty about it. Guilt is a lofty emotion and quite honestly, I don’t know too many people who don’t feel guilty about something when it comes to parenting. As Jen Hatmaker said “motherhood often feels like a game of guilt management…”

As my therapist Gloria told me (I have mentioned her in other Musings), it is important to support Cooper and simultaneously identify what my needs are, while not losing myself in him. Simultaneously means multiple things can be done at the same time and that is worth pointing out.

I need to make a conscious effort to change the dialogue and my environment to accommodate my wants and needs. An entity cannot be solely focused on one being. In fact, a family unit thrives when there is communication, mutual respect, shared values, and when all members are being heard and their needs are met. I understand there is a give and take, but it is important for all of us to participate in that give and take. We need to sometimes put others first, while also sometimes putting ourselves up front and center.

To my fellow warriors, it’s not going to be easy, but the guilt and angst needs to stop. We need to wake up every day with our new mantra: It Can Be About Me!